Winding roads of nowhere
So I have my internet back. My car back. My wallet back. My life as I knew it back. I actually don't mind having no internet for awhile. It does give me a chance to get away from a computer. That leads to less neck aches, and I'd say an overall healthier & happier lifestyle. Ehhhh...
It's almost 3:00AM... I broke my X-Box controller so I have nothing left to do. I figured writing is the next best thing.
I think I have a rage problem or something. I wonder if I should see somebody about it. I've now chipped the wall in two places, broken a pane off my balcony window blinds, broke two controllers, broke my stool and dented a wall when I threw the stool. I guess that's kinda serious. Ya know, I don't think too many people know that I get mad like that. Only my family and probably Ray knows.
I've had a temper for years now. I broke my last guitar in a fit of rage when I slammed my fist into it on accident. I meant to just hit a pile of clothes... my guitar happened to be under that pile of clothes.
I break lots of things. It feels good. It feels really good. I heard of a place that lets you pay $100 to be put in a room and let loose. They put breakables in it and you can just throw stuff and smash things. It sounds like a ton of fun. Probably cheaper than the stuff I break over a year period.
I slammed the XBoX controller into the ground today and it popped back up and hit me in the lip... it cut me pretty good on the inside of my mouth. I thought it was funny because it serves me right. After slamming it 4 times today it finally broke the 360 knob used to move the player. My player was doing all kinds of weird stuff on the game. I actually thought it was funny that I broke the controller. I guess there's something about destroying things that satisfies my anger. I remember I used to torture insects... like cockroaches and june bugs... and thought it was hilarious. I think a lot of oldest boys, or boys in general, in the family have the same issues. I used to ask my mom if I could break things before she threw them away. Just old stuff; lamps, old toys... you know, just junk. She never would let me. I never understood that. What's wrong with destroying trash?
When my last cell phone stopped working I didn't bring it in or anything. You know what I did? I threw it into the ground. I hit it with a board. I threw it up as high as I could to watch it fall and smash into pieces. I smiled the whole time. I was 21 then.
This all stems from the fact that I don't let go of emotions. That's the real issue. It doesn't have to do with letting go of anything that happened to me or that somebody did. I am very forgiving. The person who took my wallet stole the cash before it was sent back. I wasn't mad. I told God to look after that person and forgive them. It was only $120 or so. I've stolen something before so I can't throw the first stone. That's my method of thinking. So, things like that don't bother me.
I think it was just a very stressful week after my wallet was gone and I never showed any emotion over it. I had to be strong and just get things done. When the going gets tough, I put all aside and get things done. I am duty oriented and thought provoking at these times. I guess I should stop and relax but sometimes stress is cool to feel. After you make it through a stressful time, the moment right after is the greatest feeling. For some reason, when this burden of being stuck in my apartment was lifted, I became angry. I think it was the stress being released. I don't think it should lead to anger. I'm not an angry guy. People have said I'm a funny and very happy drunk person. This usually shows one's true character so it's not rage that's my problem. I just have too short a fuse. It's 99.9% only when I'm alone though. I wouldn't do that in front of people. No need to show a weakness. I have to keep putting up a face.. keep pretending.. keep showing others I am unfazed, unrelenting.
I'm tired though..I'm tired of not being myself... I'm tired of not getting to go to church... ... I'm tired of not having the freedom to do what's best for me.
I'm so up and down... up and down... up and down right now. Almost like a bipolar person. Disoriented, yet driven... driven to keep on moving along. Keep moving, yet seemingly down the endless circle, only to find myself back where I started. Have you ever felt that way? Just walking in a circle... spinning... spinning... dizzy at first, then getting used to it... I'm just tired of the same scenery. Routine rots the soul. Just like religious people have rotted souls. Because routineness destroys our passion. And passion is what makes us shine. Passion is sincere love. Without passion, our faith is dead.
It's almost 3:00AM... I broke my X-Box controller so I have nothing left to do. I figured writing is the next best thing.
I think I have a rage problem or something. I wonder if I should see somebody about it. I've now chipped the wall in two places, broken a pane off my balcony window blinds, broke two controllers, broke my stool and dented a wall when I threw the stool. I guess that's kinda serious. Ya know, I don't think too many people know that I get mad like that. Only my family and probably Ray knows.
I've had a temper for years now. I broke my last guitar in a fit of rage when I slammed my fist into it on accident. I meant to just hit a pile of clothes... my guitar happened to be under that pile of clothes.
I break lots of things. It feels good. It feels really good. I heard of a place that lets you pay $100 to be put in a room and let loose. They put breakables in it and you can just throw stuff and smash things. It sounds like a ton of fun. Probably cheaper than the stuff I break over a year period.
I slammed the XBoX controller into the ground today and it popped back up and hit me in the lip... it cut me pretty good on the inside of my mouth. I thought it was funny because it serves me right. After slamming it 4 times today it finally broke the 360 knob used to move the player. My player was doing all kinds of weird stuff on the game. I actually thought it was funny that I broke the controller. I guess there's something about destroying things that satisfies my anger. I remember I used to torture insects... like cockroaches and june bugs... and thought it was hilarious. I think a lot of oldest boys, or boys in general, in the family have the same issues. I used to ask my mom if I could break things before she threw them away. Just old stuff; lamps, old toys... you know, just junk. She never would let me. I never understood that. What's wrong with destroying trash?
When my last cell phone stopped working I didn't bring it in or anything. You know what I did? I threw it into the ground. I hit it with a board. I threw it up as high as I could to watch it fall and smash into pieces. I smiled the whole time. I was 21 then.
This all stems from the fact that I don't let go of emotions. That's the real issue. It doesn't have to do with letting go of anything that happened to me or that somebody did. I am very forgiving. The person who took my wallet stole the cash before it was sent back. I wasn't mad. I told God to look after that person and forgive them. It was only $120 or so. I've stolen something before so I can't throw the first stone. That's my method of thinking. So, things like that don't bother me.
I think it was just a very stressful week after my wallet was gone and I never showed any emotion over it. I had to be strong and just get things done. When the going gets tough, I put all aside and get things done. I am duty oriented and thought provoking at these times. I guess I should stop and relax but sometimes stress is cool to feel. After you make it through a stressful time, the moment right after is the greatest feeling. For some reason, when this burden of being stuck in my apartment was lifted, I became angry. I think it was the stress being released. I don't think it should lead to anger. I'm not an angry guy. People have said I'm a funny and very happy drunk person. This usually shows one's true character so it's not rage that's my problem. I just have too short a fuse. It's 99.9% only when I'm alone though. I wouldn't do that in front of people. No need to show a weakness. I have to keep putting up a face.. keep pretending.. keep showing others I am unfazed, unrelenting.
I'm tired though..I'm tired of not being myself... I'm tired of not getting to go to church... ... I'm tired of not having the freedom to do what's best for me.
I'm so up and down... up and down... up and down right now. Almost like a bipolar person. Disoriented, yet driven... driven to keep on moving along. Keep moving, yet seemingly down the endless circle, only to find myself back where I started. Have you ever felt that way? Just walking in a circle... spinning... spinning... dizzy at first, then getting used to it... I'm just tired of the same scenery. Routine rots the soul. Just like religious people have rotted souls. Because routineness destroys our passion. And passion is what makes us shine. Passion is sincere love. Without passion, our faith is dead.
posted by Benjamin K at 7/17/2006 12:35:00 AM
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